Hi, and welcome! 

In the last post, I said we’d be trekking together on the emotional intelligence hills. On the climb you will be challenged to explore new ideas and concepts, and to be courageously honest with yourself as you integrate those concepts on a personal level.

My goal is to help you live your most productive life by helping you learn how to create truly happier, healthier, and more synergistic relationships.

Personally – I’d like to share why I chose the trekking analogy. I chose it because it best describes the many challenging chapters in my own life. Sadly, that journey included a failed marriage and subsequent difficult relationships with my children.  Working through these failures brought me to psychotherapy as a patient. I needed to know why I had failed. In the therapy process, I learned a great deal about myself which ultimately motivated me to change careers and transition out of a successful twenty-year corporate career to become a psychotherapist. Thank you, Joyce and Marty – who helped me find the courage to ask the hardest question “what was my part?” 

At times, the emotional intelligence hills can be demanding, but please stay with me as we take this journey and try not to get discouraged!  The prize is worth the price!

Your Personal Case-Study

So where do we start?  I recommend starting your journey by thinking of a relationship you would like to improve.  In Post #1 I suggested that you create two buckets, one each for your “good relationships,” and “not so good”.  Now, let’s pick one from the “not so good” bucket as your personal “case study.”  The idea is to apply the concepts and techniques that we discuss to this relationship and see if they make a difference.  It is completely up to you if you decide to tell the other person what you are working on. You might even want to do this together?  

FYI – I will be referring to a two-person relationship as a “dyad”.  This term is shorthand for describing two people interacting & relating together.  Often, I will refer to the two people in a hypothetical dyad as “A” & “B”.

“Co-Creation” & “Mutual Impact Dynamic”

Key Concepts:

The first key concepts I want to unpack are “Co-Creation” and “Mutual Impact.” 

Typically, each person in a dyad is aware of being impacted by the other in the moment. But unfortunately, we also have difficulty recognizing the impact we are having on the other (but more about that in later posts…).  This impact is either positive, negative, or neutral. Simply put, either “Yum,” “Yuck,” or “Hmm.”  These terms describe the initial feeling reaction each person (“A” or “B”) has in the moment. 

(I learned this concept from R.M. Billow who spoke at my commencement from Post Graduate Group Therapy Training program and have embraced it since.)

Self Time:

To illustrate further let’s explore this concept on a personal level:

1.    Let’s unpack “Yum” – Think about your chosen case-study dyad and recall a time when you felt “Yum” with the other person.  Was it because they just complemented you or said something they like and appreciate about you? Did you feel seen, valued, and understood?  Did you feel more connected and safer?  And how did you respond, that is what did you do with your feelings?  Did you return a positive with a positive (Yum = Yum)?    

2.    Now let’s unpack “Yuck” – Can you recall a moment when that person was saying something that impacted you negatively (Yuck)? Did you feel misunderstood, hurt, or possibly shamed? How did you respond in the moment?  Did you step back to protect and distance yourself? That is, what did you do with your feeling?  Did you return the negative with a negative (Yuck = Yuck)? How did the other person react & respond to what you did?

The above illustrates the concept of a mutual impact dynamic. Typically, Yum begets Yum, and Yuck begets Yuck!  That is, we react and respond to each other co-creating the dyadic dance unique to this relationship.    

Person Focus:

To deepen your personal experience and integration of this concept, let’s play this “Empathy Game”.

Recognizing Your First Feeling? 

Yum, Yuck, Hmm

As you scroll through these images describe your first feeling reaction as specifically and spontaneously as possible. Don’t linger or overthink this…

1.    Does this picture impact you in any way?

2.    If so, how does it impact you – Yum, Yuck or Hmm?                   

3.    Do you know why?

“The Dyadic Dance”

Top Take-Aways:

1.    Every relationship is a unique, co-created dyadic dance where we are impacted > react > and respond.

2.    When analyzed, the dance can reveal very complex, subtle, and unconscious patterns of habitual mutual impact.  

3.    Each dyadic dance in your life is unique to you and the other person in this dyad.

4.    Improving a relationship requires greater awareness of the co-creation process.

5.    First, become more aware of how the other is impacting you and your initial feeling reaction.

6.    Then be aware how you respond and the impact you are having on the other.

7.    How do they react and respond to you? (We will explore this more in the next post – Attunement to Other . . .)

This post just begins to unpack how complex interacting/relating can be and why relationships can be so difficult! But this is enough to consider for today, hope you found it helpfull and interesting.

Looking forward – Coach Chris

Hello and welcome! 

A special welcome to those who have read the first 2 posts of this Blog series.  Your presence suggests that you are serious about developing and maintaining happier, healthier relationships. I’d like to mention at this point that these posts are sequential, that is each post will build on prior post(s).  But not to worry, key links will be provided for easy reference. 

In Post #2 we started to explore the mutual impact dynamics in your personal “case study” by asking you to reflect on the habitual and co-created interactions (“dyadic dance”) in that relationship.  I introduced the concepts of “Yum,” “Yuck,” “Hmm” to help you identify your first feeling reactions.  

Today’s self-discovery is called self-attunement & self-awareness. We are going to the summit of this hill by asking you to focus more deeply on YOU.  Think of it as a form of “self-empathy” that is, tuning in to your inner feeling experience. I agree, it may seem counterintuitive to start with self-empathy, but you can’t tune in to the other person’s feelings, if you can’t first recognize your own.

MY GOAL IS… to help you unpack your deeper feelings and how they impact how the two of you communicate and relate to one another. (each other?)

Feelings flow. The focus and strength of our feelings is always changing, affected by circumstance and outcomes. It’s important to be aware of how our feelings affect our behavior, and how our behavior impacts others.

Self-Attunement & Self-Awareness

Key Concepts:

How in touch are you with your feelings?

Achieving greater self-attunement & self-awareness asks you to consider two essential questions.

Q #1 – How self-attuned are you to what you are feeling in the moment? (Your feeling-reaction in the moment)  

Q #2 – How self-aware are you to how you respond? (Your behavioral response)

These are challenging questions because our reactions & responses happen so fast, they are largely unconscious. This step requires you to slow down your response and to focus on your inner experience.

To dig deeper let’s review your case study “Yuck response” presented in Post #2.  As you may recall, you and “B” were in conversation when “B” said something that impacted you negatively, triggering an immediate internal Yuck feeling reaction in you.  Reflecting on that scenario let’s consider the following . . .

Q #1 – WHAT ARE YOU FEELING?

Becoming aware of your feeling-reaction requires these steps. 

              Step 1) Slowing down your automatic behavioral response.

             Step 2) Identifying the deeper elements of your negative feelings. 

Step 1) Slow down & recognize what triggered you.

When recognizing your initial Yuck reaction, can you now identify what it was that impacted you negatively?

ASK Yourself…

• When did I first become aware of my negative (Yuck) reaction?

• Was it the specific words spoken?

• What affected me the most – the other’s tone of voice, vocal volume, body language or general attitude? 

• Was the comment judgmental, uncaring, or lacking empathy? 

Step 2) Identifying your deeper negative feelings.

Now reflect on what you were feeling on a deeper more subtle level.  This is not easy!  

ASK Yourself . . .

• Can I get in touch with any deeper feelings?

• Did I feel unseen, hurt, criticized, shamed, dismissed?

• How strong was the feeling?

• What did the feeling mean or suggest to me?

• Did any of the deeper feelings feel familiar?

• Are these persistent feelings for me?

Be as specific as you can in identifying the deeper negative feelings that were triggered for you. Be gentle with yourself…

Q#2 – HOW DO YOU RESPOND?

Now the 2nd important question is, what did you do with your feelings; how did you respond?  With this question, you may begin to recognize an “habitual response” pattern, both with this person and in general in your other relationships.  Remember, reactions and responses happen very fast and contain many unconscious elements.   

ASK Yourself . . .

• How did I respond to the Yuck feeling, what did I say and do? 

• Is this a habitual response when I am negatively impacted? 

• Does it take away from the good aspects of my relational dynamic? 

• If these response patterns are counterproductive, is this something I believe I can change?

• Do I really want to?

FYI – Let me digress a little…

At this point in the discussion, you might ask, “why isn’t feeling angry part of Step #2, why isn’t this feeling included in one of the suggested deeper feelings?”  This is a very good question because anger certainly is a feeling.  The principal reason anger was not included is that the deeper negative feelings I suggested are “vulnerable feelings.” That is, they can suggest some sense of inadequacy or deficit in one’s sense-of-self.  Anger is not a vulnerable feeling! So, because we don’t like feeling vulnerable or having our vulnerability exposed, we will unconsciously disconnect from vulnerable feelings when they get triggered and express anger instead. This is one reason that deeper feelings can be difficult to identify and explains why withdrawal is a common behavioral response to the Yuck situation.

In my clinical experience, the two most common responses to having a Yuck moment with someone are anger or withdrawal.  This is commonly referred to as “fight” or “flight.”   

“FIGHT” – An angry response projects strength or defiance to the other, it can also be an unconscious way of not connecting to our deeper more vulnerable feelings.  For this reason, I consider anger a “response feeling” intended to push back or threaten a counterattack. As well as a defense against feeling the deeper feelings of vulnerability.

“FLIGHT” – With a withdrawal there is no obvious pushback, no threatened counterattack, this response seems to seek to avoid the entire situation.  The negatively impacted person is left absorbing yet another round of negativity. 

This response pattern results from the fear of escalation and greater possible confrontation that could threaten the relationship.  While seeming avoidant, withdrawing can also unconsciously inform later passive-aggressive counterattacks. Passive aggressive responses are less open and obvious but highly effective. 

NOW ASK Yourself . . .

• Which is my habitual response fight or flight? 

• Did I openly return the negative with a negative?

• Am I silent, keeping hurt and anger inside?

Top Take-Aways:

1. Self-Attunement & Self-Awareness are essential first steps to achieving emotional intelligence and empathy. 

2. Slow down your spontaneous reaction/response and recognize your deeper more vulnerable feelings at play.

3. Try to be aware of what you are really feeling in the moment. What specific impact (positive or negative) did the other person have on you that informed your feeling reaction? 

4. Try to be aware of how you respond (fight or flight). Our feelings inform our behavior, and our behavior impacts others.

5. These giant steps are difficult because the focus is on you and ask you to be deeply self-reflective and to get in touch with potentially painful feelings. 

What Is Your Take-Away? Please give it some thought.  

We’ve climbed enough hills for today.

BTW . . . On another day and another hill we will address the question of “Why?” – why do you think you react and respond the way you do?  An intriguing hill for sure!!

But for now, thank you for having the courage to stay with me.  Looking forward.

Coach Chris